she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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