how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
