I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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