dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
