my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
