Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
