I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
