I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
