im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
time to smoke my breakfast
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
