How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
