that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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