I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So squirting runs in the family.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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