Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sarcasm needs its own font
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
