I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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