she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
