So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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