i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We need to rekindle our bromance
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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