Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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