I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
