2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My ATM looks so different sober.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
