I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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