you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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