My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I believe in your delicious
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
