He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
