I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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