I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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