Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
