last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
