direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
