i'm signing you up for texting rehab
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize