First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
