there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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