When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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