Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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