My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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