Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
