mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
