I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
