He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
