my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
