I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
