Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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