dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
