I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
