he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
