I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
