your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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