I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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