It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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