Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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